This is not an easy blog post to write.
Simply because I am not entirely clear on what is going on inside myself.
This is a post about new beginnings.
That experience a couple weeks ago has awakened in me a new commitment to my own happiness. It has inspired inside of me a deep desire to go after all the things I want in life. It has somehow lit a fire under my ass and I am not sure why.
Maybe because I am sick and tired of feeling at the mercy of my life.
I am tired of my seeming complacency in certain areas.
I can be utterly and completely lazy.
Sure. Sure. Yes, I can pay lip service to going big, to going strong, to going hard or going home. But truth be told, I am selling myself short.
SHORT, LADIES & GENTLEMEN.
Well, first there’s the natural laziness of being human.
And second, because I don’t think I deserve anything better than what I have right now.
Yup. You heard that right.
I don’t think I deserve anything better than I have right now. That’s something I realized when I was with my old love. I was willing to settle for second best and he was willing to give it to me.
Do you see where I am going here?
The strangest thing happened this week while I was trying to process some of what happened over that painful weekend. Interestingly enough, I made a decision to share my feelings with this man. This is something I have not done in the past. Usually, when someone hurts me or betrays me, I simply cut them out of my life.
Snip. Snip. Snip.
They are out.
That’s it. Yup. Exactly as if I have a pair of scissors.
I cut them out of my life and I move on.
But this time, this time I thought I would try something different. I decided I would share from my heart. And I would listen to what he had to say. And in the process, it just so happened I called my old love a “good man” but a “weak man”. This did not go over well. Ha ha ha.
It did not go over well because it struck a chord for him. He sent me an email afterwards saying that he has always been called a “good man”. He does not like it because he feels it’s akin to saying he’s “second best”. And although it may be true right now, he doesn’t like that. He is going to change that. He is no longer willing to be “second best”.
And I am curious about the way in which we both have this theme of second best.
So very interesting.
And now, I do not know what to do. What do I do?
How do I move myself from the second best version of me into the BEST VERSION OF ME?
How do I fully embody my calling and all the things I want for myself in this lifetime?
How do I become more fully myself?
This week I set up a rigorous morning ritual for myself that begins at 5am. I meditate, I do EFT, I journal, I use essential oils and I think about all the things I want in my life. It’s a practice I am dedicating myself to for the next 30 days.
I am committed, Ladies & Gentlemen.
I am committed to making a change for the better.
I am committed to living my one life as my best life.
And that can only begin by TAKING ACTION. I am DONE with THINKING ABOUT THINGS. It’s time to EXECUTE.
So, I shared my feelings with my old love. He was here in person today, so that I could do that. I found it SO HARD. It was so hard to touch into the pain and sadness I was feeling around this betrayal. I had locked it away already because I just want to move on. But I am committed to holding this ending, or this new beginning, in a different way.
He listened to me for a very long time. He also apologized for the 65th time. And he made a commitment to himself and to me that he is going to do what he can to overcome his defects of character in order to be the BEST version of himself possible.
Well, I suppose we will see what that looks like. I suppose we will see what that means. And I suppose we will see if his actions match his words.
The biggest surprise of the whole thing was the amount of love I felt for this man today. Jesus. I found that hard. I am supposed to be mad at him, absolutely furious with him and yet, I found myself feeling love for him. He is a really good man… yes, he has been weak and he has lacked integrity, but this is because he has never made the choice to stand in his own brilliant light. He has never made the choice to be the best version of himself possible.
Do you see a theme here?
Cause I do.
I haven’t made the decision to do that either, OR RATHER, I made the decision BUT TOOK NO ACTION.
Okay. Okay. No action may be inaccurate. I took very little action, if any.
And now… Now, things are different.
I feel committed to making my way in the world.
I feel committed to moving forward powerfully.
I feel committed to TAKING ACTION IN ORDER TO CREATE MY BEST LIFE.
Right here. Right now.
It is time, wouldn’t you say?
And I have my old love to thank for that. He inspired me unknowingly. And it seems he and I are not as different as I think we are. Our journeys always seem to overlap somehow.
And how about you?
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO CREATE YOUR BEST LIFE, TOO?
When are YOU going to take this ONE LIFE and make it your BEST LIFE?
Talk to you all soon.