I’ve suffered another deception.
I know. I know.
It doesn’t seem possible.
Not again. Not already.
And this one was just as brutal, if not worse.
Compounded grief, Ladies & Gentlemen.
I am working through compounded grief.
And it’s been tough.
Grief is a strange thing.
It calls on all of our resources.
I could not think. I could not concentrate. I could barely carry on my daily tasks.
The pain was so all encompassing.
Let’s be real.
The pain is still all encompassing.
Boy, was it deep.
I reunited with an old love. We agreed to be friends. We decided to allow this renewed friendship to develop on its own. Then, something happened two Sundays ago. We experienced a deep connection with each other. We were open and honest and present with one another in a way we’ve never been and it changed us both. And as a result, I fell in love again.
I feel deeply in love again.
And then, something happened. I started having the same old feelings come up inside my body.
I felt afraid. I felt concerned. I felt uneasy.
In my body, it felt like my old love was not being entirely honest with me. It felt like he was not being entirely honest with himself either. And this felt bad. This felt awful.
And much to my surprise, after a long conversation that was vulnerable, and not entirely easy, I found out that my body was right. My body was right. I was being deceived. I had been lied to, since the beginning, and I was being taken for granted.
This was less than ideal.
In fact, the circumstances of the betrayal were such that I could not longer continue to dream of a future together. I could no longer imagine a life together. I could no longer dismiss my concerns or my suspicions. I had to look at the truth of the situation and move on.
Dear God, I am finding it hard to right about this right now. I cannot find the words to express how I am feeling or where I am at right now because I feel so raw. I feel so raw. This has cut me so very deeply and I am trying to understand why.
Let’s get real.
I have had my fair share in this lifetime.
I was born grieving.
I’m tired of sad stories, Ladies and Gentlemen.
I am so tired of sad stories.
I am ready to let them go.
You know what?
You know what I find so interesting in this scenario?
I mean I could go on and on about this deception and why it was so cruel, but I’m not interested in that part of this story.
I am interested in this…
The thing I find so surprising, the thing I find so interesting, is that I still believe there is someone out there for me.
I still believe in true love.
I still believe I can find a worthy partner.
I still believe that love is possible for me.
I believe it.
I know it.
And I am not going to give up.
That is what I find so surprising after all of these less than ideal romantic relationships.
There resides inside in me endless summer when it comes to romance.
I really do.
And yes, perhaps, this experience has been the hardest of them all. It’s shaken me to the core. It’s been a doozy. Wow. This particular grand deception was such a huge surprise. I still can’t wrap my head around it. And I hope I never do. I don’t want to understand this kind of dysfunction. I would rather it stay a mystery.
But even after all of that, I trust that I will find someone who is worthy of me and my love.
I trust that I can shift the energy inside of me that continues to attract this experience.
And above all…
I trust that I can love myself through this.
I trust that I can love myself in a way that will attract a man who loves me in the way that I deserve.
Are you feeling me?
Do you get what I am saying here?
I still trust.
I trust myself more now than ever before.
And I trust in the power of love.
That’s it, people.
That’s what it’s all about now, isn’t it?
Stay connected to YOU!
Over and out for now.