And I am afraid.
I am scared I could be making a big mistake.
Because I love him deeply and I don’t want to get hurt.
Yup. That about sums it up.
This compiled with the fact I dated a liar liar pants of fire, cheater cheater pumpkin eater a year ago who pretty much machine gunned my heart into oblivion. And now, I am having a hard time trusting any man who is interested in me romantically.
Sigh. There is still pain there. There is still pain.
This Ex is not like that. Nope. The reason we split up was because of a lack of connection. At the time, he was suffering from untreated depression which prevented him from being present a lot. A lot. A lot.
And I felt lost as a result. I did my best to hang in there because he is such a treasure, but in the end, depression kicked my ass, and his, I guess. Sigh. So, I left.
But I have longed to reconnect with him for some time.
And somehow, he must have sensed this as he reached out to me over the summer. We’ve been in contact off and on again ever since. So good and so scary.
In fact, it was a salmon supper and it was waiting for me when I returned after a 12 hour drive from the prairies. There were also roses and some supplies for my bath. And he carried in the bulk of the things in from the car with the help of my daughter. Sigh.
Oh. My. God. I can feel for me how big this is in my body. We went sledding with my daughter and her friend. And is was so lovely. It felt so very good in my body. It was fun and free and warm and light. I took a picture of myself the next day and I was simply glowing!!!
This is where I feel challenged. This is where I come up against some road blocks. This is where I have to work on my capacity to receive. I have been repeating “My capacity to receive romantic love expands infinitely like the Universe” for a while. And perhaps it is working. Ha ha ha ha.
However, I also have all sorts of things happening inside of me around this reconnection. I feel afraid. I also feel anxious and numb. I feel excited. I feel giddy. I feel happy. I feel sad. I feel hopeful. And my mind is trying to get a handle on all of it.
There is a lot there.
But you know what is helping me navigate this situation?
I am doing my best to stay connected to this present moment. I am doing my best to stay connected to ME. I am doing my best to allow a deep connection with this lovely human being.
I am focusing on bringing connection to the forefront in this situation.
And how is that working for me?
It is working powerfully for me, because I am not losing myself in this new adventure. I am not falling into a pit of doubt and despair. I am not snuffing out the possibilities due to my fears. I am doing my absolute best to stay connected to this very moment in time, to receive love and to simply relax.
We are both committed to deepening our friendship before anything else happens. We do hold hands. We sit close on the couch. We touch each other and we say “I love you”, but we aren’t planning on going any further at this time. Because we are both scared shitless of commitment and of making a mistake. And that is okay.
Connection is the currency of wellness. So, regardless of what happens in this situation, it will be a grand success as long as I remain CONNECTED TO ME.
How about it?
What do you think?